Not long now

Today is Sunday, On tuesday morning I will have my operation and I WILL recover quicker than the doctors say. I woke this morning and for some reason I was in a temper. Probably the residue of a dream or something.
So to take the anger away - I decided to change the bed linen before I go in hospital, so I stripped the bed and had my husband telling me off for it - great that gave me an excuse to vent my anger (my poor husband - I am not normally like this). Before all these meds, I was a lovely happy caring cheerful helpful patient person, I lived up to my name - Joy. Since the medications - I have had all of the worst bought out in me and I hate it. I dislike myself and what I have become.

I try so hard now to try and keep myself from becoming a grumpy disgusting disabled bitter person.Its hard going but I do not want to give in and let  myself become something that I really am not.

I can understand now why some disabled people are bitter and angry. I have had doors let go in front of me, so they close as I am trying to get my crutches through. I have had people shove past me in impatience, ram me with shopping trolleys, look at me as though I am a leper, I heard a little girl  ask her mum why is that lady using those sticks to walk? and the mothers reply was that I was probably scamming the system and there was really nothing wrong with me except laziness. That I was a cheat.
This woman did not even know me. She did not know about the 4 years of agony I have gone through, about how many tablets I have to take to try and control the pain enough so that I can walk on those crutches. This woman just made a snap horrible judgement about me because I was on crutches.It upset me so much that I had to take my trolley to the entrance and leave it there while I went out to my car to cry about the fact that a complete stranger could say that about me.

I have worked all my life , I have worked very hard. Bought up my children and worked on a farm while doing so - so they would have me there when they needed me - the farm worked around my childrens needs. I picked strawberries, daffodils, potatoes, did the straw, the planting, all sorts.
Once they left school -  I worked in a betting shop for a while and trained until I became a manager. Then I went in hospital and had a hysterectomy. I didnt go back to the betting shop - I then did the job I had wanted all my life, the job I loved. I became a veterinary nurse.

I worked with all the animals, I assisted in the surgery - (extra hands when needed etc etc), I did the anaesthetics for the animals so they wouldnt feel anything while they had their operations, I kept them balanced   and then I was with them while they came round to make it as least stressful as possible.
I also had the sad times in the job too. The times when people bought in the animal they loved and had to have it put to sleep. The  number of people who asked if I would hold their animal while it went to sleep. - none of them realised how much I would cry with every animal that died in  my arms, but it gave them
relief to know their friends were held as they left this world.

It was while in the job I loved the most - that I did my back, and have not worked since. I am not lazy - I push myself every single day to do as much as I possibly can. If it means I hurt - then I hurt, but I will not give in.
Hence why it hurt with the words that woman said.

aww I realise I have had a rant and I did not mean to but I will leave it here because that is what a blog is for. To say what you think (without slander)

Mine is so that at some time in the future someone else might be in my situation and be googling their condition and operation, and perhaps, during my recovery etc, I might be able to give a little information that I could not find - to help

Will continue again

3 DAYS TO GO

knowThe Sun rose this morning - The Clouds came out to play hide and seek with it
and the breeze decided to come play with the leaves gently throwing them around and tugging at the branches , softly , to pull at the leaves and coax them out to play.
The clouds decided that they would colour the sky in various shades of white and grey, which although they are not vibrant colours - they still help to colour the day. Then when the sun shows where she is hidden and pokes her head from behind the soft clouds - she gives us a wonderful autmnal glow to let us know that life always has a hidden glow for us to find and enjoy


That was how I felt this morning. 3 days until  my op


Got bad news todaY. hubby hasnt had any work in for the last 3 months. Then they had a job lined up for next week and this morning it was cancelled. Damn the recession, depression. He is self-employed and so cannot claim the dole (benefits) so all we had is gone now. So now we really struggle, and at a time when I cannot work and when he is going to spend all his time worrying about me and worry about money.


I still believe though that it will all come ok. We pay alll bills as they come in as long as we continue to do that - we will manage. You do not need money to be happy together. I know it can ease stress but to love your husband and children and pets - and only jujst have enough to get by - is all you need - as long as you have the love. 


I know in my heart, and I believe that things will sort themselves out. My operationi is going to go well so my husband will not have to worry. I trust that I will be out of hospital within 3 days of the operation and that I will be able to do things. I also trust and believe that work is going to come in for my husband and that it will all pick up again.


What I really know is that all will turn out right in the end

SO VERY CLOSE

Its so very close now. My operation. Tuesday. 8a.m.  I have to be at the hospital with an empty stomach because I am being operated on that morning. I  have gone through the shouting, the tears, the being scared witless - and now I seem to have found a level place to wait for the last couple of days.

I have realised that all I have to do is 2 things. 1. I have to go under that anaesthetic thinking about who is waiting for me to come round from it (my husband, son, daughter and dogs), and also go under believing in myself that this is gonna work - that it may hurt but I WILL get to throw away the crutches eventually and walk without pain again.

We took the dogs for a walk today - My husband walks way ahead of me with the dogs and then walks all the way back - then walks ahead, then back - hahah that way the dogs get a decent walk without me having to actually walk very far myself.

I took my camera - hoping that the autumnal colours would be there at Blackpool mill and Minwear woods (Pembrokeshire - Wales)- but we have not had a single frost yet to help the trees realise that it is actually half way through autumn. Well - by the time I come out of hospital - hopefully we will have had a frost to show off those amazing autumn colours.

Although my op is a lumbar fusion operation and a decompression operation - I am hoping to only be in hospital for 3 days to a week. My GP has already warned me NOT to expect to get better quickly, or to expect to do much. little steps he says, but he should know me better - I WANT to get my life back to normal after 4 years of being on these blasted crutches. Because of this I have developed a small 'hunch' which can only be dealt with when I can get to stand straight again instead of bent over the crutches.

So swimming and allsorts of physio  and determination are in order. So saying - hmmm - Until I come round from the anaesthetic - I have no idea at all how bad or better the pain will be. I live on and have lived on such incredibly strong painkillers and things to deaden the nerves and none of them actually really kill the pain  - not even the morphine - so I might wake up and find that I hurt less, or due to the op site and the metal rods etc I might hurt more - though I cannot imagine that. I have had so many nights where I have not slept due to non stop pain that will not let you rest, so I am really hoping that this will all stop after tuesday.
If I could get on my knees and pray - I might even do that. I just want it to go well.

I have no idea what will happen, I dont know when I will be able to stand, will I be able to sleep on my back or not, I know  nothing except that its tuesday and I am willing it to work