SO VERY CLOSE

Its so very close now. My operation. Tuesday. 8a.m.  I have to be at the hospital with an empty stomach because I am being operated on that morning. I  have gone through the shouting, the tears, the being scared witless - and now I seem to have found a level place to wait for the last couple of days.

I have realised that all I have to do is 2 things. 1. I have to go under that anaesthetic thinking about who is waiting for me to come round from it (my husband, son, daughter and dogs), and also go under believing in myself that this is gonna work - that it may hurt but I WILL get to throw away the crutches eventually and walk without pain again.

We took the dogs for a walk today - My husband walks way ahead of me with the dogs and then walks all the way back - then walks ahead, then back - hahah that way the dogs get a decent walk without me having to actually walk very far myself.

I took my camera - hoping that the autumnal colours would be there at Blackpool mill and Minwear woods (Pembrokeshire - Wales)- but we have not had a single frost yet to help the trees realise that it is actually half way through autumn. Well - by the time I come out of hospital - hopefully we will have had a frost to show off those amazing autumn colours.

Although my op is a lumbar fusion operation and a decompression operation - I am hoping to only be in hospital for 3 days to a week. My GP has already warned me NOT to expect to get better quickly, or to expect to do much. little steps he says, but he should know me better - I WANT to get my life back to normal after 4 years of being on these blasted crutches. Because of this I have developed a small 'hunch' which can only be dealt with when I can get to stand straight again instead of bent over the crutches.

So swimming and allsorts of physio  and determination are in order. So saying - hmmm - Until I come round from the anaesthetic - I have no idea at all how bad or better the pain will be. I live on and have lived on such incredibly strong painkillers and things to deaden the nerves and none of them actually really kill the pain  - not even the morphine - so I might wake up and find that I hurt less, or due to the op site and the metal rods etc I might hurt more - though I cannot imagine that. I have had so many nights where I have not slept due to non stop pain that will not let you rest, so I am really hoping that this will all stop after tuesday.
If I could get on my knees and pray - I might even do that. I just want it to go well.

I have no idea what will happen, I dont know when I will be able to stand, will I be able to sleep on my back or not, I know  nothing except that its tuesday and I am willing it to work