Today is Sunday, On tuesday morning I will have my operation and I WILL recover quicker than the doctors say. I woke this morning and for some reason I was in a temper. Probably the residue of a dream or something.
So to take the anger away - I decided to change the bed linen before I go in hospital, so I stripped the bed and had my husband telling me off for it - great that gave me an excuse to vent my anger (my poor husband - I am not normally like this). Before all these meds, I was a lovely happy caring cheerful helpful patient person, I lived up to my name - Joy. Since the medications - I have had all of the worst bought out in me and I hate it. I dislike myself and what I have become.
I try so hard now to try and keep myself from becoming a grumpy disgusting disabled bitter person.Its hard going but I do not want to give in and let myself become something that I really am not.
I can understand now why some disabled people are bitter and angry. I have had doors let go in front of me, so they close as I am trying to get my crutches through. I have had people shove past me in impatience, ram me with shopping trolleys, look at me as though I am a leper, I heard a little girl ask her mum why is that lady using those sticks to walk? and the mothers reply was that I was probably scamming the system and there was really nothing wrong with me except laziness. That I was a cheat.
This woman did not even know me. She did not know about the 4 years of agony I have gone through, about how many tablets I have to take to try and control the pain enough so that I can walk on those crutches. This woman just made a snap horrible judgement about me because I was on crutches.It upset me so much that I had to take my trolley to the entrance and leave it there while I went out to my car to cry about the fact that a complete stranger could say that about me.
I have worked all my life , I have worked very hard. Bought up my children and worked on a farm while doing so - so they would have me there when they needed me - the farm worked around my childrens needs. I picked strawberries, daffodils, potatoes, did the straw, the planting, all sorts.
Once they left school - I worked in a betting shop for a while and trained until I became a manager. Then I went in hospital and had a hysterectomy. I didnt go back to the betting shop - I then did the job I had wanted all my life, the job I loved. I became a veterinary nurse.
I worked with all the animals, I assisted in the surgery - (extra hands when needed etc etc), I did the anaesthetics for the animals so they wouldnt feel anything while they had their operations, I kept them balanced and then I was with them while they came round to make it as least stressful as possible.
I also had the sad times in the job too. The times when people bought in the animal they loved and had to have it put to sleep. The number of people who asked if I would hold their animal while it went to sleep. - none of them realised how much I would cry with every animal that died in my arms, but it gave them
relief to know their friends were held as they left this world.
It was while in the job I loved the most - that I did my back, and have not worked since. I am not lazy - I push myself every single day to do as much as I possibly can. If it means I hurt - then I hurt, but I will not give in.
Hence why it hurt with the words that woman said.
aww I realise I have had a rant and I did not mean to but I will leave it here because that is what a blog is for. To say what you think (without slander)
Mine is so that at some time in the future someone else might be in my situation and be googling their condition and operation, and perhaps, during my recovery etc, I might be able to give a little information that I could not find - to help
Will continue again
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