Today is Sunday, On tuesday morning I will have my operation and I WILL recover quicker than the doctors say. I woke this morning and for some reason I was in a temper. Probably the residue of a dream or something.
So to take the anger away - I decided to change the bed linen before I go in hospital, so I stripped the bed and had my husband telling me off for it - great that gave me an excuse to vent my anger (my poor husband - I am not normally like this). Before all these meds, I was a lovely happy caring cheerful helpful patient person, I lived up to my name - Joy. Since the medications - I have had all of the worst bought out in me and I hate it. I dislike myself and what I have become.
I try so hard now to try and keep myself from becoming a grumpy disgusting disabled bitter person.Its hard going but I do not want to give in and let myself become something that I really am not.
I can understand now why some disabled people are bitter and angry. I have had doors let go in front of me, so they close as I am trying to get my crutches through. I have had people shove past me in impatience, ram me with shopping trolleys, look at me as though I am a leper, I heard a little girl ask her mum why is that lady using those sticks to walk? and the mothers reply was that I was probably scamming the system and there was really nothing wrong with me except laziness. That I was a cheat.
This woman did not even know me. She did not know about the 4 years of agony I have gone through, about how many tablets I have to take to try and control the pain enough so that I can walk on those crutches. This woman just made a snap horrible judgement about me because I was on crutches.It upset me so much that I had to take my trolley to the entrance and leave it there while I went out to my car to cry about the fact that a complete stranger could say that about me.
I have worked all my life , I have worked very hard. Bought up my children and worked on a farm while doing so - so they would have me there when they needed me - the farm worked around my childrens needs. I picked strawberries, daffodils, potatoes, did the straw, the planting, all sorts.
Once they left school - I worked in a betting shop for a while and trained until I became a manager. Then I went in hospital and had a hysterectomy. I didnt go back to the betting shop - I then did the job I had wanted all my life, the job I loved. I became a veterinary nurse.
I worked with all the animals, I assisted in the surgery - (extra hands when needed etc etc), I did the anaesthetics for the animals so they wouldnt feel anything while they had their operations, I kept them balanced and then I was with them while they came round to make it as least stressful as possible.
I also had the sad times in the job too. The times when people bought in the animal they loved and had to have it put to sleep. The number of people who asked if I would hold their animal while it went to sleep. - none of them realised how much I would cry with every animal that died in my arms, but it gave them
relief to know their friends were held as they left this world.
It was while in the job I loved the most - that I did my back, and have not worked since. I am not lazy - I push myself every single day to do as much as I possibly can. If it means I hurt - then I hurt, but I will not give in.
Hence why it hurt with the words that woman said.
aww I realise I have had a rant and I did not mean to but I will leave it here because that is what a blog is for. To say what you think (without slander)
Mine is so that at some time in the future someone else might be in my situation and be googling their condition and operation, and perhaps, during my recovery etc, I might be able to give a little information that I could not find - to help
Will continue again
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Saturday, 8 October 2011
3 DAYS TO GO
knowThe Sun rose this morning - The Clouds came out to play hide and seek with it
and the breeze decided to come play with the leaves gently throwing them around and tugging at the branches , softly , to pull at the leaves and coax them out to play.
The clouds decided that they would colour the sky in various shades of white and grey, which although they are not vibrant colours - they still help to colour the day. Then when the sun shows where she is hidden and pokes her head from behind the soft clouds - she gives us a wonderful autmnal glow to let us know that life always has a hidden glow for us to find and enjoy
That was how I felt this morning. 3 days until my op
Got bad news todaY. hubby hasnt had any work in for the last 3 months. Then they had a job lined up for next week and this morning it was cancelled. Damn the recession, depression. He is self-employed and so cannot claim the dole (benefits) so all we had is gone now. So now we really struggle, and at a time when I cannot work and when he is going to spend all his time worrying about me and worry about money.
I still believe though that it will all come ok. We pay alll bills as they come in as long as we continue to do that - we will manage. You do not need money to be happy together. I know it can ease stress but to love your husband and children and pets - and only jujst have enough to get by - is all you need - as long as you have the love.
I know in my heart, and I believe that things will sort themselves out. My operationi is going to go well so my husband will not have to worry. I trust that I will be out of hospital within 3 days of the operation and that I will be able to do things. I also trust and believe that work is going to come in for my husband and that it will all pick up again.
What I really know is that all will turn out right in the end
and the breeze decided to come play with the leaves gently throwing them around and tugging at the branches , softly , to pull at the leaves and coax them out to play.
The clouds decided that they would colour the sky in various shades of white and grey, which although they are not vibrant colours - they still help to colour the day. Then when the sun shows where she is hidden and pokes her head from behind the soft clouds - she gives us a wonderful autmnal glow to let us know that life always has a hidden glow for us to find and enjoy
That was how I felt this morning. 3 days until my op
Got bad news todaY. hubby hasnt had any work in for the last 3 months. Then they had a job lined up for next week and this morning it was cancelled. Damn the recession, depression. He is self-employed and so cannot claim the dole (benefits) so all we had is gone now. So now we really struggle, and at a time when I cannot work and when he is going to spend all his time worrying about me and worry about money.
I still believe though that it will all come ok. We pay alll bills as they come in as long as we continue to do that - we will manage. You do not need money to be happy together. I know it can ease stress but to love your husband and children and pets - and only jujst have enough to get by - is all you need - as long as you have the love.
I know in my heart, and I believe that things will sort themselves out. My operationi is going to go well so my husband will not have to worry. I trust that I will be out of hospital within 3 days of the operation and that I will be able to do things. I also trust and believe that work is going to come in for my husband and that it will all pick up again.
What I really know is that all will turn out right in the end
Friday, 7 October 2011
SO VERY CLOSE
Its so very close now. My operation. Tuesday. 8a.m. I have to be at the hospital with an empty stomach because I am being operated on that morning. I have gone through the shouting, the tears, the being scared witless - and now I seem to have found a level place to wait for the last couple of days.
I have realised that all I have to do is 2 things. 1. I have to go under that anaesthetic thinking about who is waiting for me to come round from it (my husband, son, daughter and dogs), and also go under believing in myself that this is gonna work - that it may hurt but I WILL get to throw away the crutches eventually and walk without pain again.
We took the dogs for a walk today - My husband walks way ahead of me with the dogs and then walks all the way back - then walks ahead, then back - hahah that way the dogs get a decent walk without me having to actually walk very far myself.
I took my camera - hoping that the autumnal colours would be there at Blackpool mill and Minwear woods (Pembrokeshire - Wales)- but we have not had a single frost yet to help the trees realise that it is actually half way through autumn. Well - by the time I come out of hospital - hopefully we will have had a frost to show off those amazing autumn colours.
Although my op is a lumbar fusion operation and a decompression operation - I am hoping to only be in hospital for 3 days to a week. My GP has already warned me NOT to expect to get better quickly, or to expect to do much. little steps he says, but he should know me better - I WANT to get my life back to normal after 4 years of being on these blasted crutches. Because of this I have developed a small 'hunch' which can only be dealt with when I can get to stand straight again instead of bent over the crutches.
So swimming and allsorts of physio and determination are in order. So saying - hmmm - Until I come round from the anaesthetic - I have no idea at all how bad or better the pain will be. I live on and have lived on such incredibly strong painkillers and things to deaden the nerves and none of them actually really kill the pain - not even the morphine - so I might wake up and find that I hurt less, or due to the op site and the metal rods etc I might hurt more - though I cannot imagine that. I have had so many nights where I have not slept due to non stop pain that will not let you rest, so I am really hoping that this will all stop after tuesday.
If I could get on my knees and pray - I might even do that. I just want it to go well.
I have no idea what will happen, I dont know when I will be able to stand, will I be able to sleep on my back or not, I know nothing except that its tuesday and I am willing it to work
I have realised that all I have to do is 2 things. 1. I have to go under that anaesthetic thinking about who is waiting for me to come round from it (my husband, son, daughter and dogs), and also go under believing in myself that this is gonna work - that it may hurt but I WILL get to throw away the crutches eventually and walk without pain again.
We took the dogs for a walk today - My husband walks way ahead of me with the dogs and then walks all the way back - then walks ahead, then back - hahah that way the dogs get a decent walk without me having to actually walk very far myself.
I took my camera - hoping that the autumnal colours would be there at Blackpool mill and Minwear woods (Pembrokeshire - Wales)- but we have not had a single frost yet to help the trees realise that it is actually half way through autumn. Well - by the time I come out of hospital - hopefully we will have had a frost to show off those amazing autumn colours.
Although my op is a lumbar fusion operation and a decompression operation - I am hoping to only be in hospital for 3 days to a week. My GP has already warned me NOT to expect to get better quickly, or to expect to do much. little steps he says, but he should know me better - I WANT to get my life back to normal after 4 years of being on these blasted crutches. Because of this I have developed a small 'hunch' which can only be dealt with when I can get to stand straight again instead of bent over the crutches.
So swimming and allsorts of physio and determination are in order. So saying - hmmm - Until I come round from the anaesthetic - I have no idea at all how bad or better the pain will be. I live on and have lived on such incredibly strong painkillers and things to deaden the nerves and none of them actually really kill the pain - not even the morphine - so I might wake up and find that I hurt less, or due to the op site and the metal rods etc I might hurt more - though I cannot imagine that. I have had so many nights where I have not slept due to non stop pain that will not let you rest, so I am really hoping that this will all stop after tuesday.
If I could get on my knees and pray - I might even do that. I just want it to go well.
I have no idea what will happen, I dont know when I will be able to stand, will I be able to sleep on my back or not, I know nothing except that its tuesday and I am willing it to work
Saturday, 10 September 2011
IRONMAN WALES - people to admire
Yahey, tomorrow I will be a marshall for the cycling part of Ironman Wales.
What is that? some of you may ask, well - it is an International event that finishes in Hawaii after going through 23 countries. Wow. Our little town of Tenby in Pembrokeshire is hosting this side of this amazing event.
There will be 1500 people who will swim 2 1/2 miles, get out and cycle 112 miles and then get off their bikes and run a marathon, all round our wonderful part of Pembrokeshire. Wow, how do they do it? The eldest person doing this is 75. Oh good luck to him.
Oh and I was sat having a wonderful chat with Rosie Swale too - (google her if you dont know who she is)
I cannot do this, unfortunately hahah, but I have been a Marshall for two Wales marathons, so I thought I could at least be involved in that way. So I have just been to the De Valance to pick up my instructions, hi vis jacket, poncho, t shirt and packed lunch (all the items a marshall will need). Our instructions also give us the numbers to call in emergency. So I am set.
Tomorrow morning at 6.45 am (oohhh yuk) I will be in my car and be driven the very short distance up the road to my station point, where I will meet up with the other 2 marshalls and the traffic officer. (I will be driven there because I will have had my meds early and for the first 2 hours - I cannot drive. My husband will leave the car with me and in it I will have my flask of boiling water, a pack up, biscuits, coffee and sugar, umbrella and a seat to sit on and anything else I can think of. There I will stay until approx 2.30 pm. Although I have cleared it and had permission to leave and go home if the pain gets too much. (I am sincerely hoping that I will manage to make it through. ) I will also have my camera (all those people in lycra shorts hahah).
During the Welsh Marathon, I managed to get a photo of every person that ran past - a bit more difficult with bikes that will go flying past - but I will sure try.
So that is what I will be up to tomorrow.
Yesterday, I ended up with sloes on the boil to make sloe wine, limes and sugar to make lime marmalade in one big jam pan (I have a huge cooker and a husband who will lift everything for me as I cannot), I also made the most amazingly tasty pineapple jam yesterday too, so although I ended up in tears of pain,.I felt quite proud of myself at the same time. I am also making crochet dolls, clothes, stockings and other stuff ready for the xmas craft fairs, so although I may look on myself as useless because of my back, crutches and pain, I am so determined to keep going.
To9day now - oh yes - a day to take it very easy - so crochet, telly, computer and not much else now.
Will catch up tomorrow and should have some pics to go with my post then - see you then
What is that? some of you may ask, well - it is an International event that finishes in Hawaii after going through 23 countries. Wow. Our little town of Tenby in Pembrokeshire is hosting this side of this amazing event.
There will be 1500 people who will swim 2 1/2 miles, get out and cycle 112 miles and then get off their bikes and run a marathon, all round our wonderful part of Pembrokeshire. Wow, how do they do it? The eldest person doing this is 75. Oh good luck to him.
Oh and I was sat having a wonderful chat with Rosie Swale too - (google her if you dont know who she is)
I cannot do this, unfortunately hahah, but I have been a Marshall for two Wales marathons, so I thought I could at least be involved in that way. So I have just been to the De Valance to pick up my instructions, hi vis jacket, poncho, t shirt and packed lunch (all the items a marshall will need). Our instructions also give us the numbers to call in emergency. So I am set.
Tomorrow morning at 6.45 am (oohhh yuk) I will be in my car and be driven the very short distance up the road to my station point, where I will meet up with the other 2 marshalls and the traffic officer. (I will be driven there because I will have had my meds early and for the first 2 hours - I cannot drive. My husband will leave the car with me and in it I will have my flask of boiling water, a pack up, biscuits, coffee and sugar, umbrella and a seat to sit on and anything else I can think of. There I will stay until approx 2.30 pm. Although I have cleared it and had permission to leave and go home if the pain gets too much. (I am sincerely hoping that I will manage to make it through. ) I will also have my camera (all those people in lycra shorts hahah).
During the Welsh Marathon, I managed to get a photo of every person that ran past - a bit more difficult with bikes that will go flying past - but I will sure try.
So that is what I will be up to tomorrow.
Yesterday, I ended up with sloes on the boil to make sloe wine, limes and sugar to make lime marmalade in one big jam pan (I have a huge cooker and a husband who will lift everything for me as I cannot), I also made the most amazingly tasty pineapple jam yesterday too, so although I ended up in tears of pain,.I felt quite proud of myself at the same time. I am also making crochet dolls, clothes, stockings and other stuff ready for the xmas craft fairs, so although I may look on myself as useless because of my back, crutches and pain, I am so determined to keep going.
To9day now - oh yes - a day to take it very easy - so crochet, telly, computer and not much else now.
Will catch up tomorrow and should have some pics to go with my post then - see you then
Thursday, 8 September 2011
The beginning
OH yes, what a wonderful day.
I was in a lot of pain this morning and took my meds as normal. I then sat on the sofa trying to crochet but to no avail as all I could do was keep falling asleep. Do you know what it is like to fall asleep with your eyes open every few seconds - my husband was talking to me and my eyes were open but I was asleep. A bit like narcolepsy I suppose - but this is down to getting used to my new pain meds.
I have just done exactly the same while writing this in. hahah
I went onto Etsy this afternoon - wonderful - I managed to get 2 beautiful hand made dolls with needle stitched faces, and the seller even managed to alter the shipping on one so I could order it. Ah that is so good when some people can be so helpful to you.
Now to the 'Its my life'
This is my blog because I will be going into hospital in 5 weeks (october 11th) for a spinal fusion and decompression operation on my lumbar spine. A little frightening even when you are my age (49).
Its a long op and has a 65% success rate apparently, but that it better than slowly getting worse and worse and having more and more pain that the opiate drugs do not seem to touch. So I thought that if I blogged about it - then it might help me to face my fears and attack it with my usual big smile and happy face, so here I am.
I dont know how long I will keep this up - I have never done a blog before, but I hope to keep it up all through the recovery period so it might be of help to others who are having this operation.
For me - my aim is to come out of this and be able to throw away my crutches, get off disability and get back to some kind of work again as I really do miss working.I know I will not get back to my old job of veterinary nurse, but any work will do after 3 years of enforced laziness and non stop 24/7 pain. So here we go. This is my very first blog and I will see how far along I can keep this up. For now though, I have to stop as I need another tablet and some food. So I will return tomorrow and carry on
I was in a lot of pain this morning and took my meds as normal. I then sat on the sofa trying to crochet but to no avail as all I could do was keep falling asleep. Do you know what it is like to fall asleep with your eyes open every few seconds - my husband was talking to me and my eyes were open but I was asleep. A bit like narcolepsy I suppose - but this is down to getting used to my new pain meds.
I have just done exactly the same while writing this in. hahah
I went onto Etsy this afternoon - wonderful - I managed to get 2 beautiful hand made dolls with needle stitched faces, and the seller even managed to alter the shipping on one so I could order it. Ah that is so good when some people can be so helpful to you.
Now to the 'Its my life'
This is my blog because I will be going into hospital in 5 weeks (october 11th) for a spinal fusion and decompression operation on my lumbar spine. A little frightening even when you are my age (49).
Its a long op and has a 65% success rate apparently, but that it better than slowly getting worse and worse and having more and more pain that the opiate drugs do not seem to touch. So I thought that if I blogged about it - then it might help me to face my fears and attack it with my usual big smile and happy face, so here I am.
I dont know how long I will keep this up - I have never done a blog before, but I hope to keep it up all through the recovery period so it might be of help to others who are having this operation.
For me - my aim is to come out of this and be able to throw away my crutches, get off disability and get back to some kind of work again as I really do miss working.I know I will not get back to my old job of veterinary nurse, but any work will do after 3 years of enforced laziness and non stop 24/7 pain. So here we go. This is my very first blog and I will see how far along I can keep this up. For now though, I have to stop as I need another tablet and some food. So I will return tomorrow and carry on
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